


I Can't Help Myself

by ski167



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Bottom Richie Tozier, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Post-First Battle with Pennywise (IT), Post-Pennywise (IT), Sad Eddie Kaspbrak, Sad Richie Tozier, Slow Burn, Slurs, Top Eddie Kaspbrak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24132535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ski167/pseuds/ski167
Summary: Richie is completely, totally in love with Eddie. But Eddie could never love him back. Right?
Relationships: Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

Richie loved Eddie. He loved him more than should be possible. He loved him with every inch of his body. There was only one problem. His best friend was straight. 

Eddie loved Richie. But his mother had taught him that gay was 'a sickness'. She had drilled it into his brain. 

"It's sick! Gay is a sickness you can _never_ cure!" she would shriek. "It's dirty Eddie! I can't lose my baby to such a horrid thing!" Then she would cry slowly, making Eddie feel guilty, even though he was never quite sure why. She would squeeze him until it was hard to breathe and her tears were in his hair. He would always say 'I'm sorry, Mommy. I know it's bad,'. Although he didn't know why he was sorry. So he pushed away the thought of loving Richie. He loved Richie as a friend. After all, how could you _not_ love your lifelong best friend? He tried to convince himself it was nothing more than a friendship. Probably never would be. 

Richie and the Losers, minus Eddie, were hanging out in the clubhouse Ben had built. They were all bored, but didn't feel like doing anything other than sit with each other. Richie, of course, was complaining.

"Spaghetti would know what to do. Or he'd be lecturing us about something. Either way, it'd be fun." His long legs were swung over the sides of the hammock. Bev rolled her eyes. 

"You're the only one that enjoys Eddie's lectures that much. And you know his mom freaked out about yesterday about something so he probably won't be let out of the house for a week," she said. Bill stuttered his agreement. They all lingered for a while longer, but eventually, people started to leave. Stan and Richie were the only ones left. Stan folded his arms across his chest.

"It's pretty obvious you like him," he said flatly. Richie feigned confusion, but Stan saw right through him. He knew his best friend better than that. "Bill and Bev agree that you should tell him. Eddie looks at you the same way, even if you don't see it." Stan said gently. Richie started to freak out. 

"You told Bill and Bev?! Stan, I trusted _you_ with that! Maybe I should go tell Bev you like Bill." he exclaimed. Stan gave him a pleading look. 

"They already knew, okay? You're not exactly subtle. Though I guess you are because Eddie doesn't know. Look Rich, all I'm saying is we think it'd be better if you just confess. You won't have to stress about rejection or worry anymore because you'll know for sure whether or not you're just meant to be friends." Richie looked at the floor, then got up to leave. Stan sighed as Richie disappeared. Suddenly, he heard Richie's voice.

"Bill! Wait up for a second, come back! Stan the Man's got somethin he wants to tell ya!" Stan's eyes widened as Bill reappeared and climbed down. He turned to face Stan. He flashed him a slightly confused smile and tilted his head a little. Stan took a deep breath.

"I need to tell you something, but before I do, if it doesn't go well can we still be friends?" Bill looked a little shocked but nodded. What could ruin their friendship? Only one thing he could think of. So before Stan could say anything, Bill leaned forward and kissed him. Stan was a little flustered at first. He had definitely not been expecting that. Bill was delighted when Stan wrapped his arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. When they finally broke apart, they were smiling and a bit out of breath. 

"That was what I wanted to tell you," Stan said. Bill smiled wider.

"I k-k-kind of f-figured." he said with a small laugh.

Meanwhile, Richie was busy freaking out. He just _knew_ Stan was going to kill him for that little stunt. Especially if Bill didn't feel the same way. What if Stan did the same thing to him? Richie was horrified at the thought. He may have seemed light-hearted and careless around his friends, but when he was alone? That was a whole different story. His worries overtook him until he was spiraling so badly he shook. He had panic attacks all the time but tried to hide it from his friends. Usually, it happened in his room, but there had been multiple occasions where he had broken down at someone else's house, and once even at school. To his knowledge, nobody had picked up on it yet. Sure, Richie's home life was fine. His mom was the best, and his dad wasn't so bad either. But the truth was, Richie was one panic attack away from a complete mental breakdown. He was on the verge of shutting everyone out... including Eddie. 

Eddie, on the other hand, was coping wonderfully with panic attacks. He hardly ever got them anymore and knew exactly what to do when he did. He didn't have them nearly as much. Sure, he was still a neat freak. But after Pennywise, he had toughened up a little. Richie liked to take credit for it. 

Eddie hadn't told the Losers the real reason he was grounded again. He had just said his mom freaked out, and not a single one of them questioned it. He was mostly glad for that. They knew he disliked about his mother. But a small part of him wanted them to press for details. A small part of him wanted them to know what life was really like in the Kaspbrak household.That is was so much worse than they thought. Sonia's was so oppressive. So manipulative. One time he had researched abuse and neglect. He had discovered, with less shock than he thought normal , that his mother perfectly fit the emotional abuse category, He knew Bev didn't have a great family life, but at least she had been able to get out of it. Sometimes Eddie thought he had it worse than any of the Losers, but he always immediately regretted it and felt guilty. After all, it couldn't possibly be true. Anyway, the real reason his mom had lost her shit was be use she had seen Richie pick Eddie up and soon him around. They were just goofing around, smiling and laughing, although Eddie tried and failed to pretend to be disapproved. The other Losers laughed at Richie's playfulness. Eddie had been having an amazing time. Then, his mother had stormed up behind him and gripped Eddie's arm so hard it left bruises. She ripped him away from his friends while he stumbled along behind her, never turning back to see the concerned looks on his friends' faces. As soon as they arrived home, Sonia began screaming. Eddie had opened his mouth to say his usual 'sorry mommy', but before he could, she slapped him across the face. Her features softened momentarily to caress his bright red cheek. Then she launched right back into her lecture, her face hardening again. Not screaming anymore, but still, the words were harsh. 

"Eddie, don't you understand? That boy is a bad influence! He's dirty, Eddie! You hear me? He's out of control! Nobody should touch you like that! Maybe you think it's harmless, but it isn't. He's going to turn you _gay_! Hes a dirty, dirty boy, Eddie. Boys don't touch other boys like that unless they're _gay._ We're going to change this Eddie bear. We'll make sure this never happens again."

Eddie shook, partly with fear, partly with anger. Why did she always say stuff like this? He got it, gay is bad. But was Richie spinning him around really gay? He was so tired of his mother punishing him for every little thing. Even things that didn't happen! Eddie's frustration nearly reached it's peak capacity in that moment. 

"I'm not gay, Mom. And even if I was, you can't change that. Why do you think I spend so much time with Richie and my other friends? Because I can't take your bullshit! All the time!" Eddie yelled. His mother paused. Had her baby just yelled and cursed at her? Her baby. Her precious, innocent baby? And had he called her Mom instead of Mommy? She set her jaw and pointed at the stairs, her finger shaking with rage. And he had gone.

So Eddie had been sitting in his room for two days. Just thinking. Once or twice, he had caught himself daydreaming about Richie, and what it would be like if they were boyfriends. He tried to shake off the feeling it gave him. Butterflies in the stomach, an irresistible urge to smile. Although he disagreed with his mother's unnecessarily homophobic comments, a tiny part of him wondered if she was right? He didn't know that Richie was sharing his daydreams just a little ways away. Unbeknownst to them both, they each had the butterfly feeling, the thoughts of being able to call the other their own. 

About a week later, Eddie was released from his house arrest. It had taken a lot of begging, and even some tears. Now, he wandered down to the arcade, knowing Richie, if not some others, would be there. When he went inside, he saw Bill, Stan, and Richie crowded around Streetfighter. Even at 16, it remained their favorite game. He did a double take, seeing that Stan's arm was around Bill's waist. Well, that was new. But not entirely unexpected. Eddie found himself staring at Richie's intensely focused face. He watched Stan say something to Bill that made him lose focus and blush furiously. Eddie approached just as the game ended and Richie threw up his hands in victory.

"Yes! I win! Better luck next time, Big Bill." Richie cheered. 

"Y-you only won be-because Stan made me m-mess up!" Bill replied. 

"Oh sure, blame the boyfriend," Richie said. But his voice wavered for a moment when he saw Eddie.

"Speaking of boyfriends..." Stan teased. Richie gave Stan the finger, then gave Eddie a goofy smile. 

"Spaghetti man isn't my boyfriend, he just wishes he was," Richie shot back. He tried to say it playfully, but it came out tinged with sadness. Bill announced he had to get home for lunch, and Stan decided to walk him home. Richie smiled and leaned against the game once they were gone.

"So... you up to the challenge, Kaspbrak?" Eddie returned the smile, but shook his head. He wasn't in the mood today. Richie thought for a moment. "Then... we could go to my house? Or I think Mike and Ben are going to see that new horror movie, we could meet them there if you want?" Eddie thought about what his mom might do if she caught him with Richie. Against his better judgement, he decided on the movie. Richie made an exaggerated bow and swept his arm toward the door. 

"After you, madame," he said in a shitty Voice. Eddie snorted.

"I'm not a girl, Richie." He said flatly. Richie shoved him toward the door anyway. A few 'I fucked your mom' jokes (if you could even call them that) later, Ben and Mike showed up and they all went in the theater. Everyone was aware of how scared Eddie would be, and how he would end up grabbing one of Richie's limbs until the movie ended. And then, of course, Eddie would deny everything. But this time was different. About a quarter of the way through the film, Eddie jumped, and scrambled to pull his legs up to his chest. At the same time, he reached out to grasp Richie. The first thing he touched was Richie's hand, so he latched on to it. When he realized what he had done, he started to slide his hand away, a bit embarrassed, but Richie stopped him. He glanced at Eddie and laced their fingers together. Eddie gazed briefly at their hands, then snapped his eyes back to the screen, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach and the smile on his face. Richie, however, did not ignore it. He stared at Eddie's picture perfect grin, his heart in his throat. They stayed that way for the rest of the movie. Eddie squeezed his hand at the scarier parts, and by the end of the movie he wa practically curled into Richie's side. When the four stepped back into the sunlight, Ben budged Richie. He had a question, Richie could tell. 

"Are you and Eddie... like... together? I saw how you guys were sitting. Ben asked tentatively.

"Of course not, Ed's is just a big baby," Richie responded.

"Beep beep Rich, I'm right here!" Edddie said, faking offense. Ben seemed to buy the story, but Mike seemed a little suspicious. He shrugged it off however, much to Richie's relief. Ben and Mike said their respective goodbyes, and Riche was left alone with Eddie. Eddie kicked at the sidewalk and stared at his feet. Holding hands with Richie had felt so nice. All warm and soft. He wanted to do it again so badly. But hadn't Richie just forcefully denied being witn Eddie? Maybe they didn't share feelings after all. Eddie began to get lost in his thoughts. An unexplained frustration began to well up inside him. Richie stared at him. Eddie had been strangely quiet ever since the arcade. Something was off. 

"Eds, are you okay?" he asked. Eddie's head snapped up. 

"Shut UP Richie!" he yelled. Richie had never seen Eddie like this before. His eyes had a dangerous gleam, and his voice dripped with malice. Richie stepped back, clearly hurt. He didn't understand what he had done wrong. The awful expression melted off Eddie's face immediately. 

"Rich, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you like that, I- I don't know what came over me. I swear, I have no idea what just happened!" Eddie was panicking more than a little. He had just yelled at one of his best friends AND the person he was in love with! Richie softened his expression. He _knew_ Eddie hadn't done that on purpose. He was probably just stressed out about something. 

"Its okay Spagheds. Wanna go to my house?" Eddie nodded. He liked Richie's mom, she was so different from his own. Plus, she was super nice and didn't mind him being over all the time. When they got there, Richie sprawled out on his bed and watched Eddie start cleaning up and telling him how messy he was. Richie wasn't really listening to the lecture, just enjoying Eddie. And his ass, every time he bent down to pick something up. And of course, Eddie was wearing his usual running shorts, which offered an even better view. He was so engulfed in his staring that he didn't register that Eddie had stopped talking. He was holding the last of Richie's dirty laundry and had one hand on his hip.

"Were you just staring at my ass?"

"W-what? No, I- I would never!" Richie spluttered, very unconvincingly. Eddie laughed at his embarrassment.

"Well in that case, I can finish cleaning." Eddie said. He bent down again and stayed like that just a touch longer than was necessary. He looked back at Richie, who was slack jawed. Eddie burst out laughing again.

"I thought you were all about the girls, 'Chee," he teased. Richie regained his senses and grinned. 

"Nah, it's just that your ass looks just like your mom's." he tried to say with a straight face. At this point, neither knew if the other one was being serious about anything. Eddie flopped onto the bed next to Richie. He reached for the comic book in Richie's hand. Richie held it between them so they could both see. They stayed that way for hours, only moving to get another book. At one point, Maggie checked on them but they didn't even notice. She smiled softly and left. About an hour after that, Richie realized Eddie was pretty much asleep. He slid the comic book to the side. The movement caused Eddie to wake up a little, but Richie quickly moved back. When Maggie checked on them again, Richie was spooning Eddie, both fast asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for some slurs and internalized homophobia

Waking up in Richie's bed was nothing new to Eddie. They did it all the time. It was just a best friend thing. He'd done it with Bill, too. It wasn't because he had a crush on Richie. Definitely not. But it wasn't often he woke up with his face pressed into Richie's chest. His lanky arms were wrapped around him. Eddie was a happy little ball of warmth in Richie's embrace. Now, he had woken up tangled in Richie's limbs before, but never like this. But... he kind of.... liked it? No, that was wrong. He wasn't supposed to like it. Wouldn't that be considered gay? And his mommy had told him time and again that gay was wrong. He tried to shove all the feelings down as deep as he could. Richie started to stir beside him. Eddie shimmied out of his grasp, sliding onto the floor. He picked up a stray comic book and pretended to be deeply engrossed in it. Richie groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. 

"Jeez, how long were we asleep?" he asked, a bit groggy. Eddie shrugged. 

"A few hours at least." Richie blinked a few times before sitting on the floor next to Eddie. 

"Whatcha got there, Eds?" Richie asked in a Voice. Eddie rolled his eyes and showed him the cover. "Haven't you read that one?" Eddie froze. 

"Yeah, but you were still asleep and I was bored," Eddie replied, saying the first thing that came to mind. 

"But you always wake me up," Richie said, a little confused. Eddie stared at him blankly, starting to panic. 

"Well- I... I, uh... you didn't- ummm..." Eddie was lost for words. The last thing he wanted was for Richie to think he was gay. He wouldn't want to be friends with someone like him, especially if he realized Eddie had feelings for him. 

"Relax, Eduardo, this isn't a police interrogation. Next time wake me up, 'cause I like hanging out with you." Richie said the last part a bit quieter. There was an awkward silence. Neither boy looked at the other. There was a knock at the door. Maggie poked her head in.

"Hi boys. Eddie, honey, your mom called and wants you back home soon, but if you'd like I can convince her to let you stay," she said kindly. Eddie stumbled to his feet. 

"No, that's okay Mrs. Tozier, but thank you." 

"Call me Maggie, sweetheart, I've told you before," she said with a smile. Eddie gave her a weak smile before she closed the door again. He glanced at Richie. They stared at each other for a moment. 

"Wanna come to the Quarry with me tomorrow? I think Bev and Mike might come too." Richie asked tentatively. Eddie shyly nodded, then slipped out the door. Richie was confused. He had only said he liked hanging out with Eddie, and then everything got weird. Come to think of it, Eddie had acted weird as soon as he woke up. Had he done something wrong? He didn't like it when Eddie was mad at him. He didn't think he had done anything. Unless... maybe Eddie realized Richie liked him. Oh, that would be bad. Nobody liked fairies like him. Richie sighed. Here he was, thinking he had kept the secret so well, and now Eddie was onto him. But if that was the case, why would he have agreed to go the Quarry? Ugh, nothing made sense. 

Meanwhile, Eddie was having the same thoughts on his walk home. Things had gotten awkward quickly. But he didn't want to think about that right now. He sighed. Going home after being at the Tozier's was always rough. His mom really didn't like Richie, but could tolerate Maggie. There was always a lecture after spending time with Richie, which was basically every day. She always told him not to associate himself with someone like Richie. A pansy. Fairy. All those fun words. But lately, it felt like she was calling _him_ those words. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was. But would it be so bad to be like that if he got to have Richie? He thought it might not. He walked up the steps to his house, bracing himself. Sonia grabbed him as soon as he walked through the door. Her fingers dug into his arm. Today was much more than a lecture. 

"Why were you over _there_? I thought I told you to stay away from that boy! He's sick, Eddie. And he's making you sick too. You're just like him now. A _gay._ " she said with contempt. "I won't have my only child be like that. Until you're my little boy again, you'll be staying here. In your room. Now go!" she spat. 

Eddie stormed up the stairs. Richie was _not_ sick. And neither was he. He was so mad at his mother at that moment. No, he was mad at her all the time. She was so overprotective and homophobic. Hot tears burned behind his eyes. He needed to talk to someone. Bill. Bill always answered the phone. He took a deep breath to calm down a little, then dialed. 

Hours later, Eddie was lying on his bed, trying and failing to sleep. He could hear his mother sleeping down the hall. He tossed and turned, mind racing. There were so many thoughts running around in his head. So many worries. He was interrupted by a tap on his window. He sat up. There was a silhouette sitting in the tree outside his window. Carefully, Eddie crept to the window and opened it. 

" _Richie!_ What are you doing?" he whisper shouted. Richie flashed him a crooked smile. 

"Billiam informed me of your current predicament, my dear Spaghetti-head. I'm here to entertain you! Will you let me in now?" Richie said loudly.

"Shut up you asshole, my mom will wake up!" But he moved aside to let Richie climb through. 

"Eds, we both know she sleeps like a rock. Now, whatever shall we do together?" Richie was still smiling, and it was contagious. Eddie returned a small smile and shook his head. 

"Sleep maybe? I'm tired but I can't fall asleep. Since you're here, you can just talk until I'm bored enough to fall asleep. Should only take a few minutes." Eddie smirked. 

"Oooh, Edward gets off a good one! Come on, get back in bed. I'll tell you stories until you sleep, like the little baby you are." Richie said sweetly. Eddie pulled back the covers and motioned for Richie to join him.

"Taking me to bed already? Scan-da- _lous_ Mr. Kaspbrak! At least confess your undying love first!" Richie said in a British Voice. Eddie blushed hard and looked away, though Richie could barely see it. Fuck, he'd made it awkward again hadn't he. Richie scrambled for something to say. He hopped in the bed next to Eddie. It was barely big enough for the two of them. Richie propped himself up on one elbow. 

"Hey, Eds? Are you mad at me?" he said seriously. Eddie looked at him in bewilderment.

"What? Of course not. Why would you think that?"

"Well... earlier I said I like hanging out with you and then things got weird and you left, and now I start talking again and the same thing happens. So I thought maybe you just don't want to hear what I have to say." Richie said softly. 

"No, Rich. I always want to hear what you have to say, and I like hanging out with you too. You're my best friend." Eddie took a deep breath and steeled himself. "But if we're friends, then I can't do anything that I want to. Like this." He leaned forward and closed the gap between him and Richie. Richie was startled. The last thing he had expected was Eddie to do this. He had only dreamed of his soft lips, his warm body pressing into his. Eddie broke away, leaving Richie open-mouthed. It was quiet and awkward once again. 

"I- I think I should go..." Richie stuttered. Eddie stared at the blankets wordlessly. The window slid silently shut, leaving Eddie to his regret and despair. He just _had_ to have kissed him, and now he had lost his best friend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this was so bad! It's been a while since I updated but I promise I'll be doing so more regularly now :)


	3. Chapter 3

Days went by. Eddie was still on house arrest, and Richie hadn't tried to see him since that night. Richie had been wanting that for so long he could hardly believe it had actually happened. Part of him didn't think Eddie had meant it. Maybe he had been too tired to understand what he did. Maybe he was leading Richie on, making fun of him like everyone else. He told Stan about it the night after. Stan, of course, had told Bill, and in a short span of time, all the Losers knew. They didn't get why Richie was so scared. Everyone knew how crazy he was about Eddie, so why didn't he act on it? He finally had the opportunity and he wasn't taking it. Richie was at the clubhouse now, looking for something to distract himself. Leaves crunched above him. Another Loser. Bev's face appeared.

"Hey, Trashmouth. Room for one more?" He shrugged. He didn't feel like being around anyone right now, but at the same time, he didn't mind her arrival. She shimmied down and joined him in the hammock. They sat side by side, gently pushing their feet against the ground.

"I don't want to talk about him, Bev." Richie said solemnly.

"Who said anything about that?" She offered him a cigarette, which he took. They sat in silence, rocking, and smoking. Richie exhaled a cloud of smoke.

"I don't want to hurt him, Bev. He means the world to me. How am I ever gonna know what to do?" he said quietly.

"As I recall, _he_ kissed _you._ I think he's having the same issues. You ran away! How do you think he feels right about now?" she pointed out. 

"Yeah, but... what if he's just messing with me? What if he didn't actually mean it? What happens then? I lose him forever, that's what. He wouldn't want to be around me if he knew I wanted him like that." Richie felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest. It felt surprisingly good to tell someone all the things he had been worried about. Bev slung her arm around his shoulders. 

"Richie, he wants you like that too. You're the only one that can't see the way he looks at you. You guys hold hands, sleep in each other's arms, all of that. You're practically dating already. But you know what? Eddie's as blind as you are about this. So he won't know how you feel until you go back and tell him." Her voice was stern, but full of compassion. Richie looked at the ground. How was he going to explain himself to Eddie? 

The sun was setting outside Eddie's window. He sat at his desk, head in his hands. He missed the Losers a lot, but Richie most of all. He wondered if things would be the same between them when his mom let him out of the house again. How had things worked out so well for Bill and Stan? And Bev and Ben? Why did this have to be so fucking complicated? He sighed. He put his head down on his desk. Just as he closed his eyes, there was a tentative tapping at the window. He opened his eyes again and lifted his head. He couldn't see anything by the window, but maybe he just had a bad angle. Three more small taps made him get up to check. And there he was. Watching the sunset instead of facing Eddie. Eddie pulled the window open. He carefully climbed out and sat down to watch the sunset with him. Richie gave him a quick glance. They sat silently for a few minutes. When Eddie looked at Richie, he realized their pinkies were just barely intertwined. He blushed, though he was sure it was accidental. 

"Eddie? I gotta tell you something," Richie said softly, breaking the quiet. "I like you. I like you a lot more than I should. And I'm sorry I ran away. I didn't think for a million years that you would like me like that too." He pulled his knees to his chest, but kept one hand near Eddie's. "I just... I don't know. It feels like a dream. Doesn't feel real at all to have this happen."

There was another small bout of silence. 

"It doesn't feel real to me either. My mom always taught me it's not right to like boys. She made me think something was really wrong with me, and it was really bad. And I still have residual thoughts and stuff. It'll take time for her influence on me to wear off. But when I kissed you, everything felt right. It just clicked. I kinda thought you might like me back, but I didn't know for sure. That's why I acted dumb the other night. I shouldn't have pushed you aw-" Richie cut Eddie off.

"Relax Eds. We have all the time in the world now. It's not your fault your mom is like that. Also... can I kiss you?" Richie asked, a little embarrassed. Eddie barely nodded before Richie pulled him in closer. The kiss was even more magical than the first one. Eddie's soft lips pressed against his, deepening the kiss. They only broke apart because of a mutual need for air. 

"Richie..." Eddie said breathlessly, "I wanna kiss you like that all the time." 

"Lucky for you, my Spaghetti Head, I wanna kiss you all the time too. I can't help myself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW, that ending SUCKED. I'm sorry, I was trying to get it done, and as a result it didn't exactly end the way I wanted. I wanted their talk to be a little more touchy-feely, and for them to have a few more soft moments. But oh well, I'll work those into my next fic :)


End file.
